On Sebatical

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I'll go to bed and lay there for like an hour trying to fall asleep. But I can't fall asleep. My mind keeps racing and I can't make it slow down. I think about so many things and I just can't calm myself down enough to fall asleep. And well since I'm having so many thoughts all at once and not all of them are pleasant thoughts my heart will start racing and that makes it even harder to fall asleep.

The things I think about while lying in bed trying to sleep:

1:How dark it is in the house since I'm the one who goes to bed the latest. But then again I need it to be dark in order for me to fall asleep.

2:What would happen if someone broke into the house in the middle of the night. (But then I remind myself that my dad locks the house tighter then a drum) but then I start thinking about movies like Law Abiding Citizen and I think that a person could break into the house by you opening the door without knowing who it is. I also think about stories about how people's houses have been broken into and it freaks me out even more.

3: What the heck am I doing with my life? Nothing! That's right, nothing! I can't even get a job when I for once actually want one. I think it would help me relax to be doing something for an entire day. Gosh, I really want to be hired at Borders but of course the economy sucks and I am not hearing anything back.

4: I really don't wanna start school again in the fall but I know it'll be good for me to go back. But this is the first summer that I've actually had a summer and yet I'm not doing anything with my summer. I am just sitting around all day not doing anything.

5: I miss my family members and friends of the family that have passed away. I wish they were still here but I can't do anything about it. I miss my doggy and she made me feel safe in the house at night. But with these family members being gone I get scared if anything would happen to my parents or my brother or any of my other family members. I don't know what I would do if they were gone. I know I wouldn't be able to survive without them.

6: I wonder if I should be reading a book to help my fall asleep but then I would have to get up and go get one and I think that what if I was about to fall asleep but I just got up and missed my chance to fall asleep. But reading really does help me fall asleep.

7: I want new books to read. I've read the books I have so many times over and over again and I love them so much but I want something new to read. I want a new story.

8: I'm spending all my money on seeing movies with friends. But I love movies too much to stop doing it. And of course I just have to go and see these movies or I might go insane. Gosh, I love movies.

9: Maybe I should be doing something with movies with my life. I would love to be a part of that. I also really want to write a book. I need something in the middle since those are my favorite things to do.

10: Last night I was thinking about what it would be like to talk to a therapist. I think I would like just to have someone to talk to. I mean look at all these thoughts I have and it would be great to just have them listen.

11: I feel like I need a companion. I don't know why but I feel like I should have one. I think I'm just lonely in that aspect. I love being with my friends since they complete me but then I see some of my friends and they have this other person who is always there for them when we're not with them. I want that.

12: I think I should go outside but I would have nothing to do out there since no one is with me. Everyone is far away and there can't come and hang out with me. I just want to do something that seems fulfilling like yesterday when we all hung out down town. That was doing something.

13: I have obsessions. Movies, books, actors (one in particular). And I feel like I'm complete with these things but I wonder what makes me so obsessed with them. It's weird to think about the reasons why.

I wonder if there is someway to just stop all of these thoughts so I can go to sleep.