Progress

God, so I've been thinking about this all weekend and I've come to the conclusion that there is no easy answer. I guess that only thing I can do in order to sort out my feelings is to, well, write them all down.

So here goes.

1. There are definitely some feelings there. But of course there are some feelings. How could there not be? It would be literally impossible to be indifferent at this point. Besides indifference is never good. It just means that you don't care and you should always care. No matter what feeling comes from caring whether it be hate, rage, like or love.

2. There is also love there. A different kind of love then I originally thought or just assumed. I don't really think I could use the term "in love" now (or really ever) because I honestly think I was just in love with the idea of it. You know what I mean? Of course you want to be able to love someone and just because they don't love you in the way you love them doesn't mean that your love for them is meaningless. You're just going to have to deal with that love in a different way. And I've dealt with mine in the only way I really know how. I'm learned not to hold on so tight and that has made everything so much easier.

3. There is definitely an attachment there. That I am 100% sure of. I am extremely attached in ways that I can't even explain. It might go back to the love thing but I'm not sure it applies as it once did. Or I thought it did. But it's also different then it used to be. It's less of an aching attachment and more of "I'm complete" or "everything is better now" sort of attachment. (I seriously used to have this ache in my gut when he wasn't immediately there or when we would talk about going to visit them, he was the only one I was really excited to see or he would be the only one I would be sorry to have to say goodbye to. Which to me sounds extremely twisted. But now I have an excitement (as I should) to see all of them and spend time with them. I'm also okay with leaving them and him included because I know we'll all see each other again) I was fine when he wasn't there right away but I also find that things did feel more complete with him there. And that's how it should be. When one of us is not able to make it, it doesn't feel complete. And family (or "like" family) should feel complete.

4. I've found that I'm able to talk to him easier now. The past few years have been a little strained or forced, I think. Now, it's much simpler. It could just be the fact that he's married and I was forced to let go of whatever feeling (or internal claim) I had. But seriously, we could joke around and laugh. We could actually have a full conversation. We never really used to be able to do that.

5. This kinda goes along with number 1 but I've still kinda got that crush. Maybe it's more of a longing, not really sure. But I don't think that will ever really go away. I'm always happy if he happens to sit next to me or when we cross paths. I can't help but smile to myself when he says my name (even if he's saying it to someone else, like an adorable blonde baby for instance). There was a moment when we were playing cards and our feet accidentally brushed or when he sat next to me on the pontoon and our arms were touching. It's little things like that that will always make me smile. Oh and most of all, like Justin Bieber says, "when you smile, I smile", that he has got a kick you down, knock the breathe out of you smile. Not to mention I'm physically attracted to him. But that's another story.  God, he has really nice hands and arms and chest and face.  STOP. Not that I was even looking or anything. No.

Stop.

Otay, time to go. Otherwise I just might undo all of the progress I've made.

Toodles!