Why are books turned into glorious movies? To torture me.
Why do people like Jamie Campbell Bower exist? To torture me.
Why do bromances exist? To torture me.
Why does The Mortal Instruments exist? To torture me.
I am officially destroyed.
God, can you imagine if they made The Infernal Devices into movies? That series shattered my heart 6 ways from Sunday and showed me who the love of my life would be. (James Carstairs is my angel found on earth) If they made this series into movies I would never survive.
Oh but I really hope they do. That would be amazing.
God, so I've been thinking about this all weekend and I've come to the conclusion that there is no easy answer. I guess that only thing I can do in order to sort out my feelings is to, well, write them all down.
So here goes.
1. There are definitely some feelings there. But of course there are some feelings. How could there not be? It would be literally impossible to be indifferent at this point. Besides indifference is never good. It just means that you don't care and you should always care. No matter what feeling comes from caring whether it be hate, rage, like or love.
2. There is also love there. A different kind of love then I originally thought or just assumed. I don't really think I could use the term "in love" now (or really ever) because I honestly think I was just in love with the idea of it. You know what I mean? Of course you want to be able to love someone and just because they don't love you in the way you love them doesn't mean that your love for them is meaningless. You're just going to have to deal with that love in a different way. And I've dealt with mine in the only way I really know how. I'm learned not to hold on so tight and that has made everything so much easier.
3. There is definitely an attachment there. That I am 100% sure of. I am extremely attached in ways that I can't even explain. It might go back to the love thing but I'm not sure it applies as it once did. Or I thought it did. But it's also different then it used to be. It's less of an aching attachment and more of "I'm complete" or "everything is better now" sort of attachment. (I seriously used to have this ache in my gut when he wasn't immediately there or when we would talk about going to visit them, he was the only one I was really excited to see or he would be the only one I would be sorry to have to say goodbye to. Which to me sounds extremely twisted. But now I have an excitement (as I should) to see all of them and spend time with them. I'm also okay with leaving them and him included because I know we'll all see each other again) I was fine when he wasn't there right away but I also find that things did feel more complete with him there. And that's how it should be. When one of us is not able to make it, it doesn't feel complete. And family (or "like" family) should feel complete.
4. I've found that I'm able to talk to him easier now. The past few years have been a little strained or forced, I think. Now, it's much simpler. It could just be the fact that he's married and I was forced to let go of whatever feeling (or internal claim) I had. But seriously, we could joke around and laugh. We could actually have a full conversation. We never really used to be able to do that.
5. This kinda goes along with number 1 but I've still kinda got that crush. Maybe it's more of a longing, not really sure. But I don't think that will ever really go away. I'm always happy if he happens to sit next to me or when we cross paths. I can't help but smile to myself when he says my name (even if he's saying it to someone else, like an adorable blonde baby for instance). There was a moment when we were playing cards and our feet accidentally brushed or when he sat next to me on the pontoon and our arms were touching. It's little things like that that will always make me smile. Oh and most of all, like Justin Bieber says, "when you smile, I smile", that he has got a kick you down, knock the breathe out of you smile. Not to mention I'm physically attracted to him. But that's another story. God, he has really nice hands and arms and chest and face. STOP. Not that I was even looking or anything. No.
Stop.
Otay, time to go. Otherwise I just might undo all of the progress I've made.
So I haven't blogged in a really long time and that's mostly because, well, I haven't had anything to blog about. I mean, school is over and I'm not going back in the fall and it seemed to me that this blog was mostly about my adventures/misadventures in college. And since I finished college, I really don't have anything new or exciting to say about the real world. It's the real world and it's boring.
But there are some things (that don't involve me) that are in fact, not boring. And this is one of those things.
So, on July 30th (I think), The Backstreet Boys came out with a new album. I know right! It's very exciting that they're still together and that they're making music still. I love that. Oh and I just have to say that their new album, In a World Like This, is really awesome. And I'm not just saying that because they were in fact my first boy band. They're just as talented as they were in the 90's.
But that being said, they were in my first boy band and you don't, ever, forget your first boy band. Ever. :D
So since graduating I've been doing what ever oyther graduate is doing. Applying for jobs.
I've applied for a bunch of internships at publishing companies in New York and I'm just spending my time now waiting to hear back. This is the worst part I think. Waiting.
The more I think about being out in New York and in the publishing atmosphere, the more excited I get. I just want to get up and get my life started.
I did it! I graduated!! It still feels pretty surreal. Maybe come September it will really hit me when I don't actually have to go back for class but for now I am officially a University of Wisconsin-Madison Alum.
I am totally going to congratulate myself and say "On Wisconsin!"
When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight
I told my mom tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k tripping, "
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
I can't change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it
(I don't know)
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
I can't change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind
